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| For anyone who's been checking in on me, sorry for the long period without an update. Things have been crazy. Absolutely crazy.
I haven't had the presence of mind to write out my reflections on Key 6.
Let's just say that Key 6, The Lovers, deals with discrimination and, in a sense, separation. And I've had to go through a long tough ordeal with an area of my life that needed great discrimination ...and separation. And that's taken it's toll on me.
What do you say when you know that something is very healthy and good for you, but it's very difficult to do? For instance, not calling that person who is no good for you, and telling them not to call you... Even though for a while, they were all you could think about... Yeah... discrimination... separation... Difficult, but good.
That's kind of how life and Key 6 walked together for a while.
Now, I'm studying Key 7, The Chariot. It deals a lot with the idea of Will, and who is really willing what, and understanding and embracing that. At least, that's how it's playing out with me right now. I'm not quite halfway in, but life has already gloriously reflected this issue back to me for my meditation.
Yes, this section of study has been refered to as the "meatgrinder," where you really begin the work of transmuting your personality. Yeah... meatgrinder. Transmuting...
I mean, what can you say? For me, there's nothing here but Truth. It's not like you can say, "This sucks... It's too hard. I don't want to do it anymore." Because... all you're really doing is learning how everything really works.
I'm not doing anything new or crazy. I'm not playing with forces whose effects I don't understand. All I'm doing in meditating on Reality. And if that Reality is difficult, and you keep being pointed to places where your habitual patterns of thinking and living are not in line with reality, what can you do? Can you turn your back on it? No. That doesn't accomplish anything. You just get stuck where you are, letting the same bad thinking shape your life in the same miserable ways it has done in the past.
Better to wake up. Better to go to the Dentist than to suffer the slow painful death of a tooth. Better to wake up... Even if it's difficult.
I was having this thought today, after something I'd read and after thinking about my life right now...
Screw magical powers! Screw them in the head! I don't see how anyone could make it even a little way down this path if that's what they were seeking.
If I could just get my life working right... If I could just get things working correctly... headed in the right direction for me and whatever my purpose is in this crazy frickin' world... God... THAT would be magical...
This is difficult. But... I know it... I'm progressing... Everything is going as planned... I am awakening.. I am becoming... I am.
peace. | | |
| Key 5, the Hierophant.
Holy Lord... to think that I was excited about this Key. It has been really very difficult. The emphasis is on listening for and hearing the Inner Voice of the Divine (True Intuition), and how that is different from the other internal subconscious voices (and sometimes external voices) that we mistake for True Intuition - "Their name is 'Legion.'".
And that's what I've been discovering. As a person who considers themself to be highly intuitive, it's been a difficult lesson to try to process through all the voices that can masquerade for Divine guidance.
It no longer "seems" as if my life is mysteriously coordinating with my Tarot studies. It's simply a fact. A simple fact. With every new key, there is a life situation that completely reflects the lesson of the key... worse.. it brings the need to truly learn the lesson and practice it. And what is even more true, it brings the realization of how much change is needed in one's life.
Sometimes this causes me to despair. But at other times, when the lesson of the key finally dawns on me, I can see nothing other than that my life is perfectly in tune with what the Divine is teaching me. Now, at victoriously overcoming and applying everything, I don't know. But the way I think about life, my own thoughts, and God are all changing in profound ways.
How else could one learn these things but from life experience? I have no idea. This is not a "book knowledge" course.
It hit me today that the lesson of the Hierophant, Key 5, has probably been so difficult because of it's relationship (by the 5) to Key 15, The Devil. Let false appearances (also read: bad, unreal intuitions, the "Legion" of other voices) shape all of your thinking, and you will certainly find yourself in bondage to a situation of your own making (thinking).
And that, my friends, is the kind of lesson I've been having...
peace. | | |
| Ahh... The Tarot... I'm afraid the lesson of Key 4, the Emperor is entirely too poinant at this juncture in my life. Perhaps that's not really what I mean... but, it has totally pointed at an area of my life where I need work. The first step in liberating one's self is finding that you are bound.. seeing the need for liberation. I must admit that the past two weeks lessons have been very good, enlightening, and ultimately liberating, but I've also had to spend time seeing my weaknesses. And that's never fun.
Of course, I'm beginning to simply trust that I am exactly where I need to be on the path, learning exactly what I need to be learning. But at times I'm afraid that I am sliding backwards into old habits. Ultimately, I have to take responsibility for all my actions and choices... as well as responsibility for changing myself and my environment to reflect what I actually want, and not what is simply easiest or most comforting at the moment.
This has been only part of the lesson, but it has been a part. The good part is that I DO HAVE the power to change my life for the better. I must once again re-order my life. Again...
Looking forward to next weeks lesson. Hoping I've done well enough on the present one.
peace,
martin | | |
| Well, Christmas was amazing. The girl and I got along wonderfully... such beauty and intimacy and passion... It was really good to find those things back in my life.
And then she freaked out. I don't really understand it. She thinks I'm perfect. Ask her. She'll tell you so. But something wasn't right for her, or... I don't know. She cried when she said she didn't think it would be fair to me to continue. She cried when she said we should be just friends. She cried when I said thanks for the wonderful two months. She cried when I kissed her goodbye on the cheek. She cried when she told me that I should leave before she changed her mind. She cried when she said "believe me" she knew what she was giving up. She cried when she drove off. I'm absolutely certain that she's crying right now on the phone to one of her friends... So... Who knows what she's thinking... I'm sure she doesn't even know.
But she called it off.
It really was a great Christmas though. Several days of pure good and beauty. Sorry to see it go.
peace,
martin | | |
| Okay, not so much on the esoteric side today.
So, this woman in the city to which I am moving. She's quite good. Great even. She's beautiful, down to earth, intelligent, sexy, funny, compassionate... all the good stuff. Things are progressing nicely. I really dig her. I'm totally not sure where it's going, though I know that we're already basically exclusive.
I'm going up to see her on Christmas, or at least that's the plan. That should be a really good time. It's one of those things that I have so much hope for that I'm kind of afraid of jinxing it... like.. it just CAN'T be that good. But I have every reason to believe that is going to be an absolutely wonderful week.
She likes me so much that it kinda freaks her out, which is a good think, I think. I mean, it's good to have that much affection pointed at one. A really good thing, considering how horribly my last relationship ended.. and suddenly. We are a much better fit together than the last girl and I were, and that's apparent already.
I don't know. It's just really good, and I felt like writing about it.
peace,
martin | | |
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